Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
