I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
