Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
