I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
