Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
