scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
