i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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