i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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