Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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