he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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