did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
