I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
