Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
