Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
