Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
