We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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