I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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