when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
