dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
