a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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