those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
