i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
