I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
bring money and cleavage
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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