i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
