my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
