I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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