I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
