Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
