I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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