I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
