Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
