I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Fuck appropriateness.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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