Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
