Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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