I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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