Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
