I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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