How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just googled if crying burns calories
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
