I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
