i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
