Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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