So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Everyone says I win the strip club
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
