I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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