In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
