It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
