Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
