Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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