Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
