WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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