Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
