I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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